Lent and Holy week just ended and I can not think of any other time to write this blog but now, while its still 'in' despite me being a day late.
Lent is suppose to make one check on his relationship with God. We make the lenten sacrifice to experience what Jesus had to go through in His 40 days in the desert. He was tempted but he didn't fold. The last part of Lent is the Holy Week, the preparation for the death of Jesus.
Nowadays, some people may have lost the real meaning of this all. I am not judging, for whatever way you want to spend this week, its all up to you, but really may we not lose sight of the REAL meaning and importance of this all.
I personally, would say that I wasn't able to accomplish my 40-day sacrifice. I planned on giving up fast food and shopping. You maybe wondering why I planned on giving up the latter one, no its not because I wanted to save but more so because, I am such an impulsive buyer. I swear, I have to always be buying something. Me being a
shopaholic is a part of who I am and for 40 days I planned on letting that side go with the conviction that if I could do this for 40 days, I could fight temptation and win any battle! Guess what, I was able to do it for 2 - 3 weeks but when I started seeing the books I've always wanted to read, it was too hard to resist. Yes. I was tempted and gave in to it and from that point on, I gave it up. I failed my test. No point of trying.
I would admit that I have felt dry the past couple of weeks, months even. Last week, I realized what I was missing,
I wasn't who I am anymore, I was a puppet of everyone around me. I was the daughter, sibling, friend, chapter head that I was but I am not at any means, myself anymore. The world and its demands has taken its toll on me. I let life and other people dictate my actions instead of me controlling my own life. Its a long process in reaching back to who I really am deep down, its hard to re-assess my life especially with a ton of clutter around messing up with me. The passion in living has faded away, the passion in dreaming has died, I am but a walking skeleton, not anymore capable of living a life worthy of the death of Christ.
I've always prayed that God put me in a place where I can be a testimony of how great He truly is, for me to be a source of hope and pillar of strength for the people around me, but I seem stuck on where I am lost and confused. Apparently all of this is because I lost in touch with God. Last week, I had the chance to reconnect with God. Not that my relationship is back to how it used to be, but for me the fire is back in me, somewhere and somehow. I think this was because, I learned to appreciate the basics once again. The basics that we often over look, the main foundation of our faith.
Our lives consists of series of events that distracts us from noticing the smallest details. We are living in a 'loud' society wherein silence is uncomfortable. We have the tendency to forget that it is in the silence and peace that we get in touch with God and our inner self. I myself am too scared of that particular silence, scared of what God maybe telling me, of doubting myself if I am ever capable of the things that he asks me to do, so I resort to the one thing that I know most people do, I just 'hear' it. I hear things without really listening; I just say words without proclaiming them, I just do it instead of living it.
Its easy to say that I am a follower of God. I strive to live like Christ, it was a challenge I accepted months back, but seriously, living it is harder. Living this certain way asks so much from a person, it especially asks us to deviate from the social norms of the society. Who am I but a weakling too often tempted and too often lost. Temptation is everywhere, it comes in different forms and ways and we win some and lose some. Thats how life really is in the first place. I have been in my community for almost 9 years now and yet I still struggle. Everyday is still a battle, I am not who I envision myself to be, everyday is filled with certain obstacles that we all have to endure at the end of the day. Our life is challenged and we are tested, our faith is always tested and it is up to us to fight for our God. It seems easy to listen, to proclaim and to live our ideal life, the Christ-like way but truth be told, its hard and it takes a lot of patience and prayer. We listen not to the words but to the meaning of these words and how we can use it to better our lives. It is easy to say the word of God to share experiences and share our knowledge in faith but really, we should proclaim it, saying every bit of it with meaning, with emotion with passion. Knowing what you are really saying and to actually live it. Practice what you preach, one of the hardest things to do in this lifetime given all the distraction there is.
Jesus has died, for us to live our life. Yes, what we have now, is all because God loved us that He gave his only Son for us. All of this is rooted in love. The certain kind of love that we have to share to everyone around us. We are given hope that we could rise above our sins. Jesus gave up his life to give us ours and we should live it in the way that pleases God. To me, holy week is all about these three. To live our life full of love and hope.
During the
Visita Iglesia, I have said this prayer
"Lord, I am not worthy of your death. You are dead because of my sins. Help me to live a life that pleases you, worthy of this life you have given me" or something to that extent. I can't remember what exactly I said but gets, I think that the reason I lost the fire in me was simple, because I do not know how to pray anymore, I can't keep still and always too afraid to know what lies ahead. But really the power we have against anything that is thrown at us is prayer. It is in praying that we really become a better person, it is in prayer that we work hand-in-hand with God.
Holy Week reminded me the importance of prayer, silence, the stillness and trusting that God has a great plan ahead for me.
