The thing about wanting to do so many things is that you don't get to extend yourself in the way when you're just focused on one thing. Its important to that we get a hold of what we really want in life and from their work our way up, towards our dreams. Focus on the one thing important to you. Make yourself the best at it and if in the end, you still want to do more, there will always be another opportunity that would help us grow and widen our world even more.

My Lenten Reflection

Lent and Holy week just ended and I can not think of any other time to write this blog but now, while its still 'in' despite me being a day late.

Lent is suppose to make one check on his relationship with God. We make the lenten sacrifice to experience what Jesus had to go through in His 40 days in the desert. He was tempted but he didn't fold. The last part of Lent is the Holy Week, the preparation for the death of Jesus.

Nowadays, some people may have lost the real meaning of this all. I am not judging, for whatever way you want to spend this week, its all up to you, but really may we not lose sight of the REAL meaning and importance of this all.

I personally, would say that I wasn't able to accomplish my 40-day sacrifice. I planned on giving up fast food and shopping. You maybe wondering why I planned on giving up the latter one, no its not because I wanted to save but more so because, I am such an impulsive buyer. I swear, I have to always be buying something. Me being a shopaholic is a part of who I am and for 40 days I planned on letting that side go with the conviction that if I could do this for 40 days, I could fight temptation and win any battle! Guess what, I was able to do it for 2 - 3 weeks but when I started seeing the books I've always wanted to read, it was too hard to resist. Yes. I was tempted and gave in to it and from that point on, I gave it up. I failed my test. No point of trying.

I would admit that I have felt dry the past couple of weeks, months even. Last week, I realized what I was missing, I wasn't who I am anymore, I was a puppet of everyone around me. I was the daughter, sibling, friend, chapter head that I was but I am not at any means, myself anymore. The world and its demands has taken its toll on me. I let life and other people dictate my actions instead of me controlling my own life. Its a long process in reaching back to who I really am deep down, its hard to re-assess my life especially with a ton of clutter around messing up with me. The passion in living has faded away, the passion in dreaming has died, I am but a walking skeleton, not anymore capable of living a life worthy of the death of Christ.

I've always prayed that God put me in a place where I can be a testimony of how great He truly is, for me to be a source of hope and pillar of strength for the people around me, but I seem stuck on where I am lost and confused. Apparently all of this is because I lost in touch with God. Last week, I had the chance to reconnect with God. Not that my relationship is back to how it used to be, but for me the fire is back in me, somewhere and somehow. I think this was because, I learned to appreciate the basics once again. The basics that we often over look, the main foundation of our faith.

Our lives consists of series of events that distracts us from noticing the smallest details. We are living in a 'loud' society wherein silence is uncomfortable. We have the tendency to forget that it is in the silence and peace that we get in touch with God and our inner self. I myself am too scared of that particular silence, scared of what God maybe telling me, of doubting myself if I am ever capable of the things that he asks me to do, so I resort to the one thing that I know most people do, I just 'hear' it. I hear things without really listening; I just say words without proclaiming them, I just do it instead of living it.

Its easy to say that I am a follower of God. I strive to live like Christ, it was a challenge I accepted months back, but seriously, living it is harder. Living this certain way asks so much from a person, it especially asks us to deviate from the social norms of the society. Who am I but a weakling too often tempted and too often lost. Temptation is everywhere, it comes in different forms and ways and we win some and lose some. Thats how life really is in the first place. I have been in my community for almost 9 years now and yet I still struggle. Everyday is still a battle, I am not who I envision myself to be, everyday is filled with certain obstacles that we all have to endure at the end of the day. Our life is challenged and we are tested, our faith is always tested and it is up to us to fight for our God. It seems easy to listen, to proclaim and to live our ideal life, the Christ-like way but truth be told, its hard and it takes a lot of patience and prayer. We listen not to the words but to the meaning of these words and how we can use it to better our lives. It is easy to say the word of God to share experiences and share our knowledge in faith but really, we should proclaim it, saying every bit of it with meaning, with emotion with passion. Knowing what you are really saying and to actually live it. Practice what you preach, one of the hardest things to do in this lifetime given all the distraction there is.

Jesus has died, for us to live our life. Yes, what we have now, is all because God loved us that He gave his only Son for us. All of this is rooted in love. The certain kind of love that we have to share to everyone around us. We are given hope that we could rise above our sins. Jesus gave up his life to give us ours and we should live it in the way that pleases God. To me, holy week is all about these three. To live our life full of love and hope.

During the Visita Iglesia, I have said this prayer "Lord, I am not worthy of your death. You are dead because of my sins. Help me to live a life that pleases you, worthy of this life you have given me" or something to that extent. I can't remember what exactly I said but gets, I think that the reason I lost the fire in me was simple, because I do not know how to pray anymore, I can't keep still and always too afraid to know what lies ahead. But really the power we have against anything that is thrown at us is prayer. It is in praying that we really become a better person, it is in prayer that we work hand-in-hand with God.

Holy Week reminded me the importance of prayer, silence, the stillness and trusting that God has a great plan ahead for me.

Inspiration

I was going through my emails and I realized a ton of things. We do most of the things that we do from and with  inspiration. We are inspired by the smallest of things and the people around us.

I just realized that maybe the passion in me withered not because I lost interest, but maybe because I wasn't inspired enough. I wasn't inspired with the people I work with. There's just that certain magic that makes you feel good about it, makes you want to do the same things over and over again. Its the satisfaction, the happiness, the familiarity that you feel with the people around you that I miss feeling. I've never felt this way before, I don't know what happened, maybe because I just feel so dry right now. The fire I wish I could get from them isn't there. I don't wanna say that there is something wrong and maybe that they're the wrong people for me, but somethings are just not right. Maybe I don't fit in the situation too well, maybe its time to move on, maybe the magic isn't with these people anymore. I don't know. I just feel that all the doubting and not being able to trust is tearing me apart even more. Bottom line is, I need that certain influence on me by the people around me, not just as ordinary friends but that thing that makes you want to become a better person.

I don't know how to connect that previous paragraph to the next but all I want to say is that; so much of who we are is because of the people around us. We are who we are because of our families. In school, we tend to adapt certain things from our cliques and thats why there's such thing as peer pressure. The society even creates a psuedo-reality for us to believe in, which is powered by media and social media alike. Its safe to say that we really sort of have an influence with the people we spend most of our days with. Our mentors, teachers, parents, siblings, friends. We have a certain power over the people around us and its up to us on how to use it. Once you recognize that power, use it the way you should, by stirring people towards the good, making them feel good about themselves and wanting the best for that certain person.

A Good Morning Reminder

Today, God reminded me that He can be found in different ways and in different people.

My morning conversation with a very very good friend has been something I've always wanted to happen. I've been avoiding certain people for personal reasons, but for some reason, earlier this day, I had the guts to share what I've been going through to one of people I really looked up to in terms of faith and all she had to say were these to bring me back to my senses:

"Maybe your heart is seeking for answers but your mind is afraid of the answers kaya siguro nagiging dry ka."

"Baka kailangan mo muna ulit hanapin yung core mo. then based from that core, mas makikita mo yung path. mas malilinawan ka."

The timing couldn't be any better. I'm going finish Aleph, a book about journey and finding who you really are and this. Thank you Lord for the reminder. This week will be for you. Seeking for the answers and my purpose. :)

Mela Diary: A Day at Kota Keluarga :)

If you follow my twitter, you may have noticed that I always tweet that I'm going/ or I am in CLU (Childrens Little University) it is actually where my sister teach and ever since she started working there, I've always been fond of going to the school not just because of the cutie patootie students that they have but also because, the staff of the school are so fun to be with. Them being such a small school makes them even closer and I personally am close to all 13 of them. So anyway, last Thursday, they had their staff outing in Kota Keluarga in San Juan, Batangas.

We met up early at the Ritualos and grouped ourselves who will ride which car. I rode with the Ritualos and Tito Joker in the Montero while the rest were in Starex, and at around 5:45 we left Kapitolyo and the road trip started. But before heading to Kota, we had to wait for Teacher Ivy first. When we were finally complete, we then headed off to SLEX for a quick break. Lo and behold, of all the days for Mr. Sun to not show up, it had to be on that day. When it started raining, we were all like, "'de malayo pa yan, pagdating natin dun, maaraw'" It was a crazy crazy ride going to Batangas, not that it really was a long trip to begin with, Tito Joker managed to have lost us, not just once but 3 times during the whole trip. Good thing though, the rain was 'slowing' down. So after almost 4 hours and a ton of u-turns we finally got to Kota and guess what when we were there about to park, rain started pouring down. The rain was freakin unstoppable!!!! So we 'checked-in' and me being the crazy one, I ran to the beach not minding the rain, felt the water which was very very tempting and did a quick change and off we went!

Kota's shore line. They don't have the whitest sand nor a really really fine one, but it doesn't make it less beautiful.

The Cabanas. If you've seen Unofficially Yours, this is where the first scene was shot.

Aaaaaaaaaaah. I love the water!!!! <3 

'

On our way to the other side of the beach.
L-R: T. Ivy, T. Kam, Me, Yaya Clem

I just have to share this. Meet Kuya Rino, my sort of partner in crime that day. :)

WHOP. Forgive the vanity. I can't resist the setting. The rocks & the waves. <3

hahahaha. kunyare daw trapped siya. :)))

Always one with the boys!

Cutest couple. :) Renren & T. Margaux :)

Our group shot!
L-R: Tito Joker, Karin, Leila, Yaya Clem, Ms. Zel, T. Margaux, Ren, T. Ivy, T. Jaz, Kuya Rino, T. Kam, Me

After that shot, we just waited for T. Pau who was coming from Tagaytay then we had lunch. Ugh. Super yummy lunch!!! Beach and Pinoy food. <3 I can't get over the ginataan!!! :D hehe After lunch, we headed back to the beach this time we went far and did a little snorkling on the side as well. oh and lets not forget our short adventure on the other side of the island, and as if it wasn't tiring enough, we even played volleyball and finally we all went swimming. We played different pool games as well!!! It was super fun!!! It was just sad we weren't able to take shots but oh well! :)

Riding Willy. The kick-board which was everybody's friend for the day. :)

The corals. :) 

Look. I'm a big girl na! Braving the waves and rocks. :)

Quick Break.
L-R. T. Pau, Karin, T. Ivy, Me. Kuya Temy, Kuya Rino

T. Ivy, T. Kar, Me, T. Pau, Kuya Temy

I really really had to hold on to the rocks for my dear life. :)
Why hello there, T. Pau. :)

Having fun in the pool.

Corny that there's sort of shortage of pictures but yea, some of the pictures are yet to be uploaded by Ren! I swear there was even on instance that Kuya Rino literally grabbed me by the leg just because he didn't want me to win. Crazy fun times in the pool. At around, 6pm we decided to go back to Manila already. The ride home was hilarious, and I'm gonna fall asleep then wake up butt in the conversation then go back to sleep. haha. We had dinner in KFC then went home. Tired but well worth it! :D

Oh wait, I think I forgot to say that Kota is a dead spot, meaning no mobile service and its not wi-fi. No one's anti-social when you're there. They may not have the best shore in our country but the shell are really beautiful. :) It reconnects you with people and well yea, with nature. :)

As what I tweeted that night, "Spent almost whole of today disconnected from the world. Sometimes it feels great to be one with nature" I guess, there's just something with the greens and blues that gives you such peace of mind, a calming effect. And it also pays that it isn't commercialized just yet so you really have that sort of privacy you need. The trip to Kota was an escape from the busy life here in the metro.

I will never ever get tired of being in the beach. :)

Some people couldn't say what if, while I'm always scared of the what ifs. 

Living your life is really just the right balance of knowing when to doubt and when to go for it. 

Risk it and whatever happens, ENJOY THE FREAKIN' RIDE. :)

Butterflies in the stomach

I just finished talking with an old friend. With a friend I sort of had history with. Its weird that he decided to share about his life and I couldn't get any happier for him. Our story may have been short-lived and well, crazy and complicated but guess what, I have no hard feelings towards him. It was nice to 'hear' him share about his status in life, and it made me kilig, as in beyond kilig, maybe because I know how he is with girls and all and how all of sudden he's so matured, he just gives so much importance to this growing relationship with the girl.

I've always believed that when you meet 'the one' for you, the way you look at life changes. And we all have that one person we want to be with, not just because we love them but because being with them makes us better. His story isn't the first of its kind that I've heard, but hearing that kind of story from him, makes me smile, I'm just super happy he found his match, or so we think, and I do hope that its really her for him. Well having had that conversation, I suddenly thought, when will I ever have my version of that type of story, not that I'm in a hurry, but I do miss the feeling of kilig, the butterflies in the stomach, the random smiles and all that jazz!

I just thought of blogging this, for the people who are hopeless, I am telling you, patience and prayer lang katapat niyan. The right person will come, in time. In. Time. :)