Thirteen Reasons Why

I just finished reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher.

Clay Jensen returns home from school to fins a mysterious box with his name on it lying on his porch. Inside he discovers several cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker-- his classmate and crush-- who committed suicide two weeks earlier. On tape, Hannah explains that there are thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he'll find out how he made it the list.

I first saw this in FullyBooked, Eastwood. I really got curious about the title, good thing was there was an open copy and so I randomly opened the book and read one of the pages and in that instant I knew I wanted to buy the book. And it didn't disappoint. As I turned the page of this book and as Hannah shared her reasons for committing suicide I could feel her pain. I could feel where she was coming from the helplessness she felt, how people just taken her for granted not even trying to know her despite the rumors and the gossip going around the school. She took all of it and it crushed her, broke her which eventually led to her death.

As I said earlier I felt the pain that Hannah was feeling. I think we've all been through something that we've always thought that no one could ever understand what exactly we are feeling. After reading this it dawned on me, are we really misunderstood by people or we just don't let them in enough to actually understand us? I mean, let's face it, if we look closely there must be that one person who wants to help us. Who despite what it takes would understand us. You get me?

Personally this book reminded me how even the small things we do to another person, matters. On the surface it may seem small but we have to remember we don't really know what they're going through inside and thus we do not have a single idea on how one thing, no matter how small it is, affects the other person. Sometimes, we just go through the motions not knowing how much we have affected the person next to us. For us it may seem silly but for them it is personal, too personal even. No one would really know how exactly a broken person feels because as broken as he/ she is, she still wouldn't let everyone know that she is. We all have our own coping mechanism and what we show other people is how we only intend other people to see us and of course this has more depth to it than what we know. So yes, its true when people say or you read the statement "you only know my name and not my story". People could just jump into conclusion create gossip that would eventually believed as true by most and yes, it could break the person talked about, apart.

I have been through what Hannah has been through well not that kind of gossip but I could relate to her in terms of letting those words said about her get to her and act based on that. I've been through so much criticism in my life that it broke me that even, I, myself doesn't know who I am anymore. Its hard just dealing with people who say hurtful words towards you, but what's tougher is that you have to battle the fight on your own. Its not merely you against them but its you against yourself. As they say, 'you are your own worst enemy'.

Give some people a slack, give them a break because you do not know what that person is going through. Try understanding people even more. Look beyond what the eyes meet. People especially those like Hannah have their walls up and doesn't really trust anyone. Its hard to earn the trust of those people. So if you really want to be of help, be sincere and don't ever give up on them. Don't you ever give up on people. You have to give them more time, you have to make them feel that you could be trusted, you have to make them feel that unlike the others, you won't hurt him/her and keep in mind that you will never know how a simple 'how are you?' matters to the broken.

PS. Here a link to a Tumblr post about the book. Quotes. Quotes and more Quotes. That could actually help you understand this blog post even more.

Nine Months

There are really days that its just so interesting how things unfold in front of your eyes. Earlier today, I heard that one of my cousins gave birth to her child and here's the catch we didn't even know she was pregnant in the first place. Okay, I'm not really sure how many of my relatives is reading this but, I just really have to put words to what exactly I feel.

I've always believed that every child is a blessing. So I was really torn on what I felt upon hearing this news. Wait, I have to remind you that this particular cousin of mine is actually two years younger than me. TWO FREAKIN' YEARS. I've heard teenagers getting pregnant and stuff and if you're one of them I would take my hats off you. You're so strong to go through what you've gone through plus the fact that you stood for what is right, and for that alone you've got my respect. I realized its different when its a family member.

Our family structure is a little different now, I mean, I would love to explain further how things are but really, I don't think its part of your business. We maybe cousins but I have no business with her right now and I don't think I have the right to judge or whatever but the fact remains that I felt hurt not for her but for her dad, for our family. I seriously do not get the logic behind not telling us about all of it?! And the last time we were with her family, it seemed like her dad had wanted to tell my mom/ aunts about it but he can't for reasons no one really knows. I don't even think they'll even show up on Christmas with another baby in their family. I mean really, you really opted for us to know through FACEBOOK and seriously I do know that they know we already know so why not be upfront about it NOW. We maybe all maldita and we maybe have our own say at it at the back of our minds but I think really it would be better if they have told us straight up, sorry parang 'di lang pamilya turing samin eh. Our situation maybe a little different from what it was like a few years back but family will always be family right? 

Through the years many things have changed and that this incident just proved that as much as we are 'bonded' in spirit, seeing each other, being with each other, still feels different. Its still better compared to just being connected via mobile or even the internet. Seeing the person is an assurance of how they really are besides no one can really hide anything if you're all facing each other because you are family and you would know if something bad is going on right? Catching up is always better because you get to talk about so many things from the present-future-past-and back to the future and then back to the present. I always think that at some point we need to be there and I mean really there. 

Time flies and just make everything count, because before you know it everything will just be a memory you would learn from, a turning point in your life. Make sure to ask your family how they are, catch-up with them, try seeing them as often as you could, cherish the moments while you can do things together because before you know it you're too old for it. Do not let life just pass you by but instead you get through life with your family. There really maybe days that you won't get to see each other, not even talk but what's important is picking up where you left of. And just make the most out of the time that you have with them. 

PS. Tonight we had dinner and celebrated the birthday of one of my lolos. We didn't really plan all of this and as soon as we all got the chance to be together and got to talk about everything, we just realized pano kami nalipasan ng panahon. My titas were even asking "o ano, sino na susunod sa inyo" and we were all quiet because none of us there is even in a relationship and then one of my cousins said "wag na kayong magtanong kung ayaw niyo mashock ulit" but seriously today I was reminded of how crazy my family really is. And oh, what a super coincidence we were all together while the Sinag Pilipinas game was on. We weren't really watching (only the dads) but then the older ones kept on talking about Kiefer, talk about family support. :)) 

Best of Both Words

Our family is our friends that's with us, 24/7.
Our friends could also be our family.
I have friends that are like my family.
And you know whats the best thing about this?
Its having the best of both worlds.

I'll Do Better Than My Best

Last Saturday my family went to watch Sound of Music at Resorts World. If you haven't seen it yet, you better make time for it. First, because who doesn't love the Sound of Music? I mean seriously?!?! Second, the production is world-class!!! The production design was jaw-dropping, how they actually brought you to each place, each room, the feeling in each scene. And of course the cast was really really and I mean really good. Our Gretl, was super adorable, you just wanna hug her every time she was on stage!!! And our Maria was Joanna Ampil and we had Audie Gemora was our Capt. Von Trapp. Lucky huh? :) anyway, the supporting cast was also good!!! But seriously, go watch it. You won't be disappointed, sa LED pa lang, super sulit na nung bayad mo :)

Sound of Music is one of my most watched VHS tapes when I was younger together with Casper and Parent Trap. When I was watching this when I was around 7 or 8, it was for the music. Do-Re-Mi, My Favorite Things etc. but I didn't realize how moving and touching the story really is, I was holding back my tears the whole the whole time. Sound of Music, reminded me the importance of family, values, love and faith. :)

Mother Abbess: What did you learn from the abbey?

Maria: To accept the will of God no matter how hard it is

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad

-My Favorite Things

Climb every mountain, search high and low

Follow every byway, every path you know

Climb every mountain, ford every stream

Follow every rainbow, 'til you find your dream

A dream that will need all the love you can give,

Everyday of your life for as long as you live

Climb every mountain, ford every stream

Follow every rainbow, 'til you find your dream!

-Climb Ev'ry Mountain

I've always longed for adventure
To do things I've never dared
Now here I'm pacing adventure
Then why am I so scared?
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts
All these worries
If I don't know I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack
The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them,
I'll show me
So let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence
They'll put me to the test!
But I'll have make them see
I have confidence in me
- I Have Confidence

11.11.11

People have been making a fuss over 11.11.11 for a long time now. Some people say, if you make a wish a today, it would most likely come true. I'm not the person who says 'today is just another day.' There's nothing wrong in believing that today might be a great day, your 11:11 wish would come true, I would rather just pray to God about the things I would want for my life, for it is with Him where I could guarantee that all my hearts desired are met.

Today, God reminded me, that I am destined for greatness, I may not be as over-achieving as people around me are, but I am and will be great in MY OWN special way.

Today, I will pray for myself. For my dreams and the things that I want to do, for the things that I want to happen.

Today, God reminded me that not until I believe that I am good let alone great, no one else would see it.

Today marks the day that I will be thinking of myself as much as I think of other people.

Today will start the journey of a new me. :)

Please Be The One

I read somewhere that people meet their partners at the age of 16 or even 13. I just can't remember, but that's for most people. If I put that in my case, I may have passed by him, know him from a friend, he could even be my  friend or maybe I am not part of 'most people' maybe I have yet to meet him. 

A week ago I had this conversation with my friends and that night we realized one thing. "all guys are jerks, some of them change for the girl they love, we just have to figure out who is the one worth fight and sacrificing for" and at the end of that night we all asked this one question: "asan na SIYA? Where is that one guy that would turn our fantasies into realities. Where is the guy that God has prepared for us"


After a few days and a lot of thing I came up with this.

Maybe the reason that God had not made it happen just yet, is because He knows that I am not ready yet. He knows that I am not emotionally strong to handle it and MY perfect love story would be put to waste because I am too immature, weak and superficial that I wouldn't even realize that HE was THE ONE for me. Or maybe because God wants me to figure out the real me first, to be secured in myself so that when I will be in THAT relationship, we would not depend for each other to complete us, but rather we will just have to complement each other and help each other to even become the better version of ourselves.

God has given me little heart aches every now and then and in the process made me learn things about myself and the more I learn the more I grow as a person and the more it readies me to handle what life would throw at me, and yes even relationships. It doesn't follow that since God has put us together it would be easy, it will never be easy especially for those who rush into it, unprepared for it. Being in a relationship takes time and only time could tell when I will have mine. So as I wait and pray for him, I will better myself, explore all my possibilities, do things I've always wish I could do, be spontaneous and carefree, learn about myself and life.

And to whoever you are, I hope you will be doing the same and when the right time comes and things fall into place, we will live OUR love story, and we could both say that it was well worth the wait.

Ironies of Life

Small thing happen in our life to prepare us for bigger things and these big things  teaches us how to appreciate the small ones.
Its just like meeting the wrong person for us to know who the right one is.
Like how we are capable to feel pain and sorrow because we have experienced how it is to be happy.
Its just like how we manage to surrender because we feel weak only to find out how strong we really are.
Things happen, its how we respond to these events that sets us apart from other people.

Stranger Things Have Happened

When you're down on your knees and all hope is gone you pour your heart out in crying, crying your frustration and depression out. Wallowing in self-inflicted pain and pity. Until the moment that you get too tired of crying is the only way you can see clearer, making you want something more than before, making you go for it without thinking of what may happen and once again following your heart wherever it leads you because you ant to cry not of frustration nor regret but because of joy, because after all the crying you did, you are happy now and it made you believe that there can still be hope. 

Slowly Drifting Apart

That moment when I saw him again after a long time, I was looking forward to catch-up with him, to be with an old friend once again. When it was just the two of us, I thought we could be back to normal, but I was surprised to see that even for him I already have a wall put up, that I didn't let him through, that what seemed to be our usual conversation, all bubbly and random, was pretty much silent, our hearts just beating, dying in the silence of our surroundings. I thought we could be okay, but then I guess life has just to happen and we have to grow and sometimes, growing means we have to grow apart as well. I wanted to cry just when I realized that it could never be the same anymore.

Alone

Earlier this week a very good friend of mine tweeted me this:

Am I really that great in pretending and showing off to the world that I am happy. If only you knew that I was once dying inside and just beginning to pick myself up. I am screwed up inside in ways no one even thought possible.

And then it hit me, I was THAT alone, no one really knows how I feel, no one knows how it is to be me, and no one knows how much I have to psyche myself to appear as strong and happy in the world.

Maybe, I really don't have a friend and everyone are just people who I happen to get to hang-out with every so often but no one really knows ME.

What Drives You?

When we want something we do everything to get it, but what really drives us what pushes us to attain the thing that we want really bad. 

All my life, I've seen myself as a mediocre piece of crap (what a way to describe myself huh?) but yea, the back story's kind of long so lets just put it that growing up I had the notion that I could not achieve anything great, and no matter how hard I try I always fail being great at the thing I am doing, unlike others I am not destined for greatness. It was so hard battling this kind of insecurity, its so hard that ones it got to me, I couldn't really get away from it. It was so hard that it actually stopped me from dreaming the biggest dream, because what would it do to me if despite all my efforts I still wouldn't succeed. 

I've lived the past few years of my life scared of failing but at the same time determined to change things, determined to change how people looked at me and most importantly how I looked at myself. Ironic but true. I was so scared of achieving so much because I was even more scared of disappointing myself, of not actually getting it done. So I settled for the easier things, which by the way hasn't gotten me far either. Earlier today, I was driving around endlessly on the same road and I realized, I am living my life as such going around in circles and not taking enough risk because I was afraid. The roads I drove on, I've mastered driving around them, I've been driving the same route since driving school and yet somehow I can't manage to go the different direction. Well I think its also because our driver didn't want me to. Yes, story of my life. I've put up with whatever people tell me and say to me that I just go around endlessly with no certain direction, my life has lost the value of excitement all together. 

Then it hit me, what drives people to achieve their goals, their dreams. What measures does people take to just have that one thing come to life and live that dream. Then I ask myself, why do I keep on going 'right' if I could actually go 'left' and I answer 'because you don't know what happens next'. Yes we do not know what happens but our lives are designed with mysteriousness in mind. But despite the uncertainty, some people still go for it, some people still want it, and I ask 'what's pushing them?' Probably,  they've long dreamed of being there so they take all possible measures to be there. 

We try, we may fail or succeed but what kind of fulfillment will it bring in our life? How will it make us a better person? I can re-butt all of this by saying at the end of the day, we now know our limits, we know what we can or cannot do, blah blah blah; but lets think about it, we are usually driven to the top not because it would complete our identity, but it is our bragging right to show everyone who doubted that we can do it that we can be successful but is that really enough, are we going to be continuously blinded by the things that won't matter in the end? And do we really just want to live our life continuously proving to others that we could do it or we were there because we were forced to because people expected us to be there or for once are we gonna do it for ourselves, because it really is what we want in life and what we hope to be doing. 

I'm not really sure if you're also undergoing that stage in your life when there are more uncertainties in your life than the sure ones, but don't fret, in time you will figure out the thing that you want to do with your life just like how I am figuring things for me. Its not easy because we are wasting not only our time but also our efforts and ourselves, I mean c'mon in everything we do, there's a certain emotional attachment to it right? 

Don't let the universe dictate to you what you should do but rather let your heart lead you to where you truly want to be. Don't let your judgement be clouded by the people that surrounds you. In all times remember that you are who you are it may take awhile before you could label who you really are, but take as long time as possible, learn more about yourself while taking as many wrong turns 'cause one of those will lead you right back where you should be.

Its funny that I am writing this blog and yet I can't really take THE risk because I am still in fear, but I am getting there, I'm slowly figuring out my life's map and getting there and really being there and staying there to wherever my destination will be. 

So now I ask you, where are you going and what drives you?