All my life, I've seen myself as a mediocre piece of crap (what a way to describe myself huh?) but yea, the back story's kind of long so lets just put it that growing up I had the notion that I could not achieve anything great, and no matter how hard I try I always fail being great at the thing I am doing, unlike others I am not destined for greatness. It was so hard battling this kind of insecurity, its so hard that ones it got to me, I couldn't really get away from it. It was so hard that it actually stopped me from dreaming the biggest dream, because what would it do to me if despite all my efforts I still wouldn't succeed.
I've lived the past few years of my life scared of failing but at the same time determined to change things, determined to change how people looked at me and most importantly how I looked at myself. Ironic but true. I was so scared of achieving so much because I was even more scared of disappointing myself, of not actually getting it done. So I settled for the easier things, which by the way hasn't gotten me far either. Earlier today, I was driving around endlessly on the same road and I realized, I am living my life as such going around in circles and not taking enough risk because I was afraid. The roads I drove on, I've mastered driving around them, I've been driving the same route since driving school and yet somehow I can't manage to go the different direction. Well I think its also because our driver didn't want me to. Yes, story of my life. I've put up with whatever people tell me and say to me that I just go around endlessly with no certain direction, my life has lost the value of excitement all together.
Then it hit me, what drives people to achieve their goals, their dreams. What measures does people take to just have that one thing come to life and live that dream. Then I ask myself, why do I keep on going 'right' if I could actually go 'left' and I answer 'because you don't know what happens next'. Yes we do not know what happens but our lives are designed with mysteriousness in mind. But despite the uncertainty, some people still go for it, some people still want it, and I ask 'what's pushing them?' Probably, they've long dreamed of being there so they take all possible measures to be there.
We try, we may fail or succeed but what kind of fulfillment will it bring in our life? How will it make us a better person? I can re-butt all of this by saying at the end of the day, we now know our limits, we know what we can or cannot do, blah blah blah; but lets think about it, we are usually driven to the top not because it would complete our identity, but it is our bragging right to show everyone who doubted that we can do it that we can be successful but is that really enough, are we going to be continuously blinded by the things that won't matter in the end? And do we really just want to live our life continuously proving to others that we could do it or we were there because we were forced to because people expected us to be there or for once are we gonna do it for ourselves, because it really is what we want in life and what we hope to be doing.
I'm not really sure if you're also undergoing that stage in your life when there are more uncertainties in your life than the sure ones, but don't fret, in time you will figure out the thing that you want to do with your life just like how I am figuring things for me. Its not easy because we are wasting not only our time but also our efforts and ourselves, I mean c'mon in everything we do, there's a certain emotional attachment to it right?
Don't let the universe dictate to you what you should do but rather let your heart lead you to where you truly want to be. Don't let your judgement be clouded by the people that surrounds you. In all times remember that you are who you are it may take awhile before you could label who you really are, but take as long time as possible, learn more about yourself while taking as many wrong turns 'cause one of those will lead you right back where you should be.
Its funny that I am writing this blog and yet I can't really take THE risk because I am still in fear, but I am getting there, I'm slowly figuring out my life's map and getting there and really being there and staying there to wherever my destination will be.
So now I ask you, where are you going and what drives you?
No comments:
Post a Comment